3/01/2006 02:04:00 AM|W|P|JunkyJane|W|P|Here's a post from Jesse. I believe he originally wrote it in his journal about six months ago, during the time that we had managed to kick dope for a few weeks (the longest we have ever abstained).
Greetings from the whirlpool.
This very moment, and many moments leading up to it, I've felt more negative than I have in a very long time. It's unquestionably all the drugs I've been hung up on for quite sometime now.
I have managed to beat the dope sickness that had consumed me for the better part of last week, but my speed intake has reached dangerously new heights...
I've been getting pains in my chest lately. It's nothing ( at least not yet ) that I feel demands immediate medical attention or anything like that. However, I know that I must make some serious changes in my lifestyle if I have any desire to live much longer...
And despite the incredible truth(s) regarding my excesses, I have yet to put any of these life altering changes into motion. And contrary to what most people may think, due to my various abuses, I have no desire to kill myself, whether it be quick and deliberate, or a much slower insidious process, result of my tendencies... sure, I kill myself everyday. But that doesn't mean I've lost the will to live. I'd rather look at it as my own personal way of living a perpetual suicide. One that I've become quite good maintaing. Well, perhaps. I know that I am causing my own mental and physical deterioration, but the facts, nor the possibilities seem to have made me re-evaluate my situation...at least not until now.
The people I would leave behind should be reason enough to want to put a stop to this crazy fucking train ride and attempt to function in this life without having these corrosive synthetics pumping through my system round-the-clock. Not to mention the many other things that I would never get to finish, start, or even consider attempting.
I spend my waking hours, which is most of them, trying to build upon the great masterpeice that I convince myself is the story of my life. I seem pre-determined to go on in a shuttle of sleeplessness until I have completed at least one thing that I can sit back and be content with. Or until I collapse from exhaustion... whichever comes first.... most likely the latter.
There's such a countless number of things into which I delve myself that it is a constant struggle to juggle them all. It's down right impossible at times.
It's not that i don't enjoy sleep. I enjoy it very much so. It's one of the only things that the political machine hasn't taken away from us, or slapped a big fat price tag on. Furthermore, I know we can't stay awake forever. Though I do like defying the odds. Sleep is crucial to maintaining any sort of long-term stability of any kind. Most people start to go nuts after only a couple days without sleep, resulting in paranoia and/or hallucinations along with drastic changes in mood and demeanor. It is, in my experience, that after a few days most of the affects and symptoms associated with sleep deprivation tend to subside, at least a little bit. It may just be that the body is just becoming accustomed to all the things it is being deprived of, therefore making things appear to be relatively normal, but I can't be certain. Afterall, I'm no medical expert. A doctor in my mind, maybe... but far too high to tell. Then again, this is just my own analysis. I don't mean to imply that everyone will be able handle such foolish routines. In fact, I don't suggest living this way at all. It just so normal for me to exist this way because I'm already a career addict... a fiend craving some presence. Each blast could be the last.
At any rate, things usually seem to come and go after the third day or so. Lately, my average week consists of, at most, three days (or nights) of sleep, which is much needed I'll admit. Sleep can also fuck up your whole groove if it's involuntary.
One thing that I've learned through trial and error and chronic abuse that most on and off "weekend" users don't ever seem to realize is that it is very important to eat something once in a while when staying up for days at a time. I know it's difficult to eat if your spun out on speed. Sometimes it's just that you forget to eat. I often have to remind myself that it's been days since I last had anything even resembling nutrition. But what it comes down to is, if you stop to refuel you can go the distance, and maybe reach that lucid, almost waking dream state that follows the initial scatter brain loopy phase. It's this lucid state that I am seeking out half the time, and meandering through the other half.
Now, it goes without saying that without certain psycho-motor stimulants this whole excursion is much more tough to accomplish. Healthier, yes. But nowhere near as much fun.
until we meet again...and endure."
-Jesse |W|P|114120957999814552|W|P|Stitching Remnants of a Lost Day|W|P|